the value of friendships

I’ve been thinking lots about friendships recently. In fact that was why there was such a big gap between posts last month – because I was trying to work out how to write this one.

We all know that friendships are a hugely important element of happy lives. Because friends choose us. They choose us, and them making that choice boosts our confidence. And those friends that choose us, and stick with us are our touchstones, our sense of self worth, our happy memories, and the people that make us roar with laughter. Theirs are the hands that hold ours when we’re sad and broken, that pick us up and dust us off before they tell us it’s all going to be ok, and because they are our friends we believe them.

Friends let’s face it are kind of magic.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last month for two reasons.

Firstly in my new job I’ve been hanging out with lots of young people with autism. We’ve talked about all sorts of things but whatever we start off talking about the conversation always comes back to friendship. Young people have spoken to me about loneliness, about bullying, about the enjoyment they get from friends, and about the difference it makes to their confidence to be truly seen and truly accepted.

And children and young people with additional needs can find it hard to make friends. Our education systems are busy teaching children to conform – it’s hard to get 30 five year olds to do stuff, so we reward them when they fit in. And so children believe that fitting in is good – and they can consciously or unconsciously punish children that don’t. And so really unfairly those children who have to work hardest to manage the school environment, are often also the children without the comfort of friends. And that’s tragic.

As an adult I have several autistic friends who I value really highly – but was I a nice enough, brave enough little girl to have built those friendships with these people who don’t (thank god) conform even a little bit back then? I really don’t know. And that’s a shame – because knowing the joy these friends bring to my life now, I can’t help but think they could have made my childhood even more of a riot!

Which brings me to the second reason I’m thinking a lot about friendship at the moment. My best friend left London in March, and it’s going to change my life.

The best Friend

As a 35 year old woman I know I sometimes get judged for talking about my ‘best friend’. I’ve had people ask me if I think I’m still at school – tease me about whether I list people in order of preference, or if we braid each others hair (never) and have sleepovers (sometimes).

And I get it. I do. There is something very primary school about having a named best friend – but at the same time there would be something very dishonest about referring to Cat as anything else.

I am lucky to have some wonderful friends – the ladies in women’s hour, my Sheffield gang, Bob & Laura, my sisters. I’m not short of people. But Cat is different.

She’s different because she’s the first person I chose that I’ve kept, and I’m the same for her. We’ve been friends now for more than 25 years. We were friends when we were largely unformed as human beings, and we’ve stayed friends through primary and secondary school, through parental illness, family strife, boyfriends, marriages, pets, jobs and houses.

I distinctly remember when I first noticed Cat. We went to a small school where there weren’t quite enough children for a 2 form intake, so some classes had a mix of two year groups in them.In gymnastics one day our (slightly hot tempered) gym teacher, let off at a girl I hadn’t seen before. He shouted at her for going to get something before she was given permission. The girl had long blond hair in a plait and looked like butter wouldn’t melt, she didn’t answer back & did exactly what she was told, but I noticed her face set and her fists clench, and saw in her a bit of the steel there was in me.

Massive Geeks - but best bud geeks

I was a good little girl. Worryingly good really. I was shy and quiet and I read in the playground. My school reports referred to me as kind, and helpful and well behaved – and that was certainly partly true. But I was also a very angry little thing who had seen that there was unfairness in the world and really didn’t like it. At ten it’s difficult to express complexity in emotions. There were the good children, who were happy. And the angry children who were naughty. And I thought those were the options. I thought I was the odd one out for being confident but quiet, angry but well behaved.

Cat was the first other child I met who I saw that complexity in. She was never the loudest, but she was self confident to the point of cockiness, deeply imaginative, and darkly funny. She also believed in fairness just as much as I did.

We made friends after she invited me round to see her horse. I believed that no-one in real life actually owned a horse – and basically went round to catch her in a lie. Instead I spent the evening picking up her (totally non fictional) horses poo. Picking up poo might not sound like the most fun thing for two 10 year olds to spend the evening doing – but it was brilliant. We made jokes and the other person laughed – it was a bit of a miracle really – because we even then had wonky senses of humour. Anyway I walked home confident I’d made a friend for life.

Yes - we were exactly that cool

Cat and I made our way through secondary school, with shared friends, shared crushes, shared late night/ early morning walks home from indie clubs singing at the top of our lungs. We walked our parents dogs together every day of our childhood, and then when I got my own dog we walked her together every Saturday morning. The rhythm of our lives is in those walks and the evenings drinking cider and talking about nothing at all. We featured heavily in each others weddings, we’ve career counselled each other, and listened to one another figure out our lives long after everyone else has lost interest and walked away.  

So when I claim Cat as my best friend – it’s not a transitory term to be given or taken away on a whim. It’s an official title and it’s lifelong.

At the end of my hen night

I know I’m lucky to have had the same best mate since I was 10. I know it’s rare – but I’m also pretty sure that women like me- those of us with the same best mate since childhood – we can spot each other in bars. We might not make a huge amount of effort because we’re confident we’re likeable – I mean we must be, right? Because our favourite person in the world picked us years ago, and still unequivocally thinks we rock.  We remember our teenage selves as likeable – because we’ve heard our friend tell those stories and we come out of them sounding ok – so it can’t have been as much of a car crash as everyone else says.

Knowing our friends like us helps us like ourselves. And every embarrassing story from my teenage years – I’ve heard Cat reframe with me as the hero. Because she’s my best mate so I’m always a hero. And I don’t have to reframe a bloody thing for Cat – because to my mind she’s always been the smartest, funniest person in the room even if sometimes she doesn’t remember it that way and I have to remind her.

Hanging out in India this year

And when she decided to move to Scotland I was delighted for her. There is no doubt in my mind that it is the best possible choice for her.

But I must admit I’m finding it strange, and sad to see less of her. I’m terrible at speaking on the phone (barely do it even with my family), and I worry that we’ll lose that rhythm of comfortably walking together saying nothing, or talking with such urgency that we trip over ourselves and each other in our anxiety to get the words out. And if I’m finding this tough I can only imagine how tough it is for the teenagers out there who say they don’t have a single friend (and there’s lots of them).

So this month I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship. About its value to me and to everyone. And about how different my life would have been without it. And it has made me determined that every child no matter how different they are has the best possible chance to make real and lasting friendships.

How to get this done? I’ve no idea. Answers on a postcard folks?

It's not too late to donate to Contact a Family - the link is at the top of the page.

what comes after a capsule wardrobe

 Can you believe it’s been nearly a year already?

There are less than 3 weeks to go until the challenge is over and so I keep finding myself answering the same 2 questions from people: What happens next? And do I want clothes for my birthday?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since the last post. In the time between posts I’ve started a new job – which has given me the chance to view the challenge through a fresh set of eyes.

It was really easy showing up at Contact a Family in scruffy, and sometimes bizzare outfits as a result of poor planning on the old washing schedule. Everyone there knew about the challenge and since it was for the organisation we all worked for – I got a free pass for sometimes looking like I’d slept in my clothes.

In my new job it's different. For starters it’s a fairly smart workplace. People show up every day looking polished, and all of my clothes look a little – well – crumpled. People are being very kind and accepting about it – but I’m really looking forward to looking just a little bit less limp at work.

So once the challenge is over – I am going to be wearing different clothes. But I’m not going to go mad with shopping – because actually this year has been really good for me. I’ve put a bit of time into thinking about what happens next and have started going through the clothes that I put away & writing a list of what I think I’ll need from May until September.

When I began putting things back into the wardrobe I noticed myself feeling a little bit nervous. I didn’t like how full my wardrobe was beginning to look. I found myself remembering with horrible clarity the mornings where I tried on one outfit after another, displacing my real anxieties about wether the meeting I was going into was going to go well with superficial concerns about wether my outfit worked. And what’s worse after making myself late choosing an outfit – I’d inevitably decide I hated it by the time I got to work.

That hasn’t happened to me this year. Yes there have been times when I haven’t been 100% in love with what I’m wearing – but narrowing down my choices has meant that I know from careful repetition which combination of clothes work for which occasion. So I got my mornings back - & while I didn’t use them for anything healthy like going for a run there has been a number of occasions when the final reread of of a paper I’m sending off  has resulted in real improvements because of that extra time.

And the bad choices I made? The stuff that even though I had a tiny wardrobe to choose from barely got worn? Well they taught me valuable stuff about what doesn’t suit me that I’d never have learnt if I hadn’t have had to sit with them for so long. Hopefully I’ll make less mistakes with what I choose to wear over the summer. But if I do make bad choices? You can bet your bottom dollar I want to learn from them.

So how do I stop myself from falling off the wagon in spectacular style? By setting myself new rules as I transition into a challenge free year. My plan is to put together a larger capsule of 40ish things to see me from my birthday into Autumn - most of the stuff I'll already own - but where I spot a gap I'll give myself permission to buy something new. I’ve already started to put the wardrobe together & I’ll let myself pick up bits and pieces until about a week after my birthday. And then no shopping until it starts to get cold again. Hopefully there’ll also be no sense of hardship cos I’ll still have more to wear in the next 4 months than I’ve had for the whole of the last year.

And so clothes for my birthday? Not unless you’re really confident that they’ll make it into the 40....

Honestly as I get older I need less and less. So I really don't mind not getting anything at all -in fact I'd rather that than people waste their money on stuff that goes unused.

But if you're determined to get me something then I'm always happiest with gifts that are handmade. Failing that if you are really after going shopping:

If you’re feeling super flush (or want to club together with a load of mates) I’ve been after one of these deckchairs since I worked at habitat in the 90's, they are on sale at the mo for £45. We already have gorgeous sun loungers at home (which I inevitably fall asleep on) but for reading a book with a gin and tonic – what could be better?

And talking of gin.... – any gin really – but East London Liquor Company's is my favourite:

Or a jar of Rhubarb and ginger jam. It makes me almost too happy. (though not as happy as Nessie’s windfall jam – hint hint)

Or make my work day a little more pleasant with some more of these tea bags . My best mate got me some for Christmas & I’m about to run out which is giving me the fear as they basically sustain me through the working day. First thing I do when I get to work is make a cuppa with one of these bags, and the same cup just gets topped up with boiling water six or seven times a day. Which means that as expensive as these teabags seem at first glance – they work out a bit of a bargain.

A big cylindrical crystal vase (and don’t you dare buy it new – they are ruinously expensive) but if you happen to see one in a charity shop, or gathering dust at the back of you cupboard – dibs.

Or you know – make that donation to Contact a Family you’d been meaning to…….here.

Wardrobe update - Capsule items 31-33

I'm running out of options for the capsule

Which probably isn't that surprising as, as you all know I’ve been surviving on a capsule of 35 items for 10 months now. Except that’s not strictly true is it? Because even now with less than 9 weeks to the end of the challenge I’m actually on 33. And I added a dress on Tuesday.

I’ve said before that there are benefits to planning at least most of your wardrobe in advance, but one of the things I didn’t cover was wear and tear. It’s taken me so long to fill the capsule that items I add now will likely be pristine next year – but the ones I put in during the first 2 months? They have worked much harder than they had to.

Because actually for the first 6 months my wardrobe was less than X items. And that’s just silly. I mentioned to a friend how I'd been after a breton top all year, but that it felt a bit late to get one now and she thought I was mad. Why hadn't I just got one in May? Indecisiveness that's why. It's meant I've had far less options than I should have throughout the last 10 months. But it does mean I can a add a few bits now - which I'm excited about!

I haven’t written about the last 3 items at all. So here they are:

Capsule wardrobe item # 31

In November I added this lovely shirt. And then I wore it to death. Which is weird because I’d somehow managed to avoid the old flannel shirt trend for years and now I’m totally bought in.

Capsule wardrobe item #32

Item 32 I bought in India: While we were away Ange and I spent a few days in Amma’s ashram and one of the core principles there is seva – or selfless service. Basically this means if you are going to stay there – then you do your share of the chores.  They also feel strongly about modest dress – so I wore my long grey dress A LOT! I signed up for hanging washing on the roof, washing posts & clearing waste from a plot of scrubland as my seva.

The scrubland clearing was scheduled for between 12 and 3. Yes you’re right – that is easily the hottest part of the day, and yes – India is a hot, hot country. I really, really wanted to get involved in the clearing but my clothing was a real obstacle. Serious gardening in a long floaty skirt just isn’t practical – and doing heavy physical work in the midday sun in the only clothing deemed modest enough for the place I was staying seemed unlikely to enhance my chances of making friends with people in the dining hall. None wants to sit next to the smelly girl at lunch.

So I took myself to Ram’s Bazaar – which is essentially the ashram’s charity shop. People often make the ashram one of the last stops on their trip and so leave clothes they won’t use at home there. I had a rummage and came away with these trousers which cost me the princely sum of 80p.

And they were such a good buy. Probably not something I’ll wear loads in the UK, but absolutely perfect for India. Cool, comfortable, modest – just perfect. I wore them pretty much every other day for the rest of the trip.

And clearing that scrubland? Probably one of my favourite afternoons of the whole trip – it was fascinating. We saw loads of weird grubs and burrowing insects I wasn’t expecting, spent ages trying to work out what the rubbish used to be before it was burnt, were amazed at the heat coming off the decomposing ayurvedic waste, and shat ourselves when more than 2 hours into doing this work in sandals the team leader remembered to mention that we should be careful rummaging through the rubbish as there would DEFINITELTLY BE SNAKES THERE! As you can imagine I reacted calmly and with dignity when faced with this knowledge …

Capsule Wardrobe item #33

Look Familiar?

Item 33 also has an Indian connection. Those of you who’ve been with me from the start of this journey will be very familiar with my denim dress. I wore it on the very first day of the challenge – and I’m pretty sure a week hasn’t gone past since where I haven’t worn it at least once. 

You’d imagine I’d be bored of it by now – but actually the opposite is true, I just love it more and more. So while I was away I had 3 copies made, one in dark blue, one in beige with blue dots and one in orange raw silk. 

My intention was to hold them over until next year – but earlier this week I decided I couldn’t wait any longer and added the beige dress to the circulation. And I love it – I don’t have to think about the different ways it’s possible to wear it – cos I’ve worked all of those out with the denim dress. It’s like a comfortable old friend, who has just got a haircut that really suits them. Comfortable and sexy at the same time. I’m pretty sure it’s going to get loads of wear over the next 9 weeks.

And because it feels silly to hold over the final 2 items and then only wear them 2 or 3 times in the challenge – my plan is to complete the capsule in the next week or so, adding (I think) another dress, and a pair of smart & comfortable sandals. That way I’ll at least have 8 weeks out of this challenge year when I know what it’s like to have the luxury of choosing from a full 35 item capsule!

There's still 9 weeks left of the challenge - so it's not too late to donate! Just follow this link.

Capsule wardrobe top tips

So 10 months ago tomorrow was my 35^th birthday. And I marked it by starting a year long charity challenge. The deal was that for the full year I had to stick to 35 items of clothing, for work for weddings for everything else.

The last 10 months have been pretty eye opening- so if you’re thinking of starting your own capsule challenge here’s a couple of things I got wrong. Read on to benefit from my mistakes.

Capsule wardrobe success #1 Don’t wing it

I read all the blogs about planning your capsule wardrobe, thinking about what goes with what and weighing up your different lifestyle needs. And then I thought “screw it – I’m a creative person. It’ll be fine!”. I worried I’d get bored if I chose everything and then had to live with it for a full year. And potentially I would have – but I also probably wouldn’t have panic bought half my wardrobe and ended up with nearly everything being grey. 

If you are doing this for a three month season, go ahead plan and commit – if like me you’re doing it for longer I’d suggest nailing down 80% of the years stuff outright – and saving yourself some treats for later on. Planning means your stuff will go together – giving you more options to be creative not less.

Capsule wardrobe success #2  Buy good quality (or buy men's)

My clothes all look pretty tired now. 10 months in I’ve resewn countless buttons, added insoles to all the shoes & had to replace 2 of the 5 pairs. I’ve strengthened seams in clothes that were starting to fall apart. 

Meanwhile my husband continues his own (oblivious) lifelong capsule challenge, of owning 2 hoodies, a handful of t-shirts 2 pairs of jeans and a suit for weddings and is doing just fine. I wrote about why this is a feminist issue here. But for now the lesson to learn is that quality matters, and that if you’re unsure looking at men’s stuff might be the way to go. Or look somewhere like Boden with their year-long guarantee on clothes that can make you pretty confident they are going to last.

    Capsule wardrobe success #3 Learn to use your washing machine

Probably you already do. I didn’t. I’ve been accustomed to losing maybe 20% of the clothes in each wash through “the washing machine lottery”. If you are living with less clothes - you can’t afford to do this, if you’ve done any reading on the environmental impact of clothes production – you can’t afford to do this, and if you want to be able to afford to buy ethically then assuming you earn less than 6 figures - you can’t afford it either! 

Spend a happy afternoon with a g&t and your washing machine manual. You won’t regret it.

   Capsule wardrobe success #4 Understand why you shop

I wrote about my emotional relationship with shopping here and here. This year I’ve gotten better and better at recognizing when I'm spending money to avoid thinking, and trying to find other ways of dealing with the fallout. I really hadn’t expected any emotional growth out of a year just wearing less clothes – but I got it. 

So if you decide to drastically change your boundaries on what you can buy/ wear be aware it might be tricky. As with any change in your life – be kind to yourself & give yourself space to think about what’s really going on.

Me taking a moment to be kind to myself in the most beautiful place ever

   Capsule wardrobe success #5 You need more shoes than you think

I calculated 5 pairs for the year, sandals, heels, 2xboots and trainers. The most worn of these by far were the sandals in the summer & the black ankle boots in the winter. And both pairs died and had to be replaced. 

I’m still pretty annoyed that both pairs died at approximately the £1 a wear mark. That’s just not alright with me - it doesn't feel like good value at all. But I also think I need to acknowledge the work that shoes put in. They literally carry the weight of your body & often they are the difference between looking smart and scruffy. 

If I were doing this again I’d have 9 pairs of shoes in the capsule, and from now on I’m investing a little more in shoes & getting the ones that have a reputation for lasting longer. Fashion shoes are over for me.

And finally….

  The Ultimate Capsule wardrobe success rule 

     -  Only buy stuff you actually like!

This is another one that’s probably obvious to you. It wasn’t to me.

 In the first couple of months I bought a fair few things to be practical. A skirt that was meant to be a compromise between my smarter work look and the super casual way I dress at home. It works for neither. A stripy vest top that isn’t exactly a vest – looks a bit shit dressed up or down. I compromised my style in an attempt to make my clothes more versatile loads - who remembers the palava with my winter coat?.

 So the simplest rule of all is to think about what you like to wear. Not what you like to see other people wear. Not what looks lovely in a shiny magazine. But the stuff you go back to time and time again and always enjoy wearing. 

Get those clothes out of the wardrobe. Really, really look at them. What is it you like about them? Their colour? Their shape? Their fabric? Write it down. That there – that’s your style – don’t compromise on it.

If you are thinking of trying this good luck. It has really changed the way I think about clothes, and now I’m in the final stretch (9 weeks to go!), I’m starting to think about next year. And next year I’ll be taking my own advice!

Do you have any tips on living with less you’d like to share? I’d love to hear them.

I started this challenge to raise money and awareness for Contact a Family - who are fighting on behalf of the 65% of parents of disabled children who go without clothes for themselves in order to meet the additional costs of raising a Disabled child. 100,000 disabled children will be affected by the introduction of Universal Credit. Want to help Contact a Family keep fighting? You can donate here.

Things about being a girl I don't want for my niece

Happy International Women's Day

This morning I saw two really strong images that have stuck with me. The first was this

The second was of my niece celebrating her 4^th birthday dressed as wonder woman.

Of course the juxta position between what I want for her (everything), and for my great nieces, and the daughters of my friends, and what that ticking down clock tells me they are likely to get is pretty shocking. I want to believe that living as they do in a wealthy country that their gender won’t make any difference to what they can achieve.

And relative to the rest of the world, my niece will be doing alright in terms of the protections the law offers her. But here’s a couple of gendered experiences I hope have disappeared by the time she’s a teenager (but I fear won’t have):

-          Being worried about what her career choices (& habits) say about her as a woman

I don’t want her to have to be an ambassador for all women if she chooses to be a pilot or a firefighter. Neither do I want people to assume she’s not a feminist if she’s a hairdresser or a stay at home mum. I want her to be able to choose what makes her happy on her own behalf without considering her gender – and I want that for boys too.

-          Being taught to equate being liked with being mistreated

Most women I know had to ‘grow out’ of bad boys. Men who treated them with distain, bullies really. And is this any wonder when little girls get told ‘it’s only because he likes you’ when they get teased or their hair pulled. We’re teaching girls to equate disrespect with love. And that’s awful for everyone. At school I once heard a girl say (about a delightful, and very straight guy), ‘I’m sorry he’s so lovely- I’m sure he must be gay.’ WHAT!!! Let’s leave aside the weird assumption your sexuality has any impact on how pleasant a human being you are, and consider what she actually meant here. What she meant was – he’s so nice he can’t possibly find me attractive, and anyway since he’s kind I don’t fancy him either. What an awful thing to do to girls. What an awful thing to do to boys! I want society to teach girls it’s ok to fancy boys who’ll be nice to them, that’s not too much to ask is it?

-          Being sexualised without her consent, and when she is too young to understand it.

I don’t want her to get whistled at from cars, to be approached on the street by men calling her baby. I don’t want her to be told she should be flattered by the attention, or that she’ll break a load of hearts when she grows up. I don’t want her to have to think about what dressing comfortably in summer might make some men think about when she is 12 (or 15 or 17 or 67 for that matter) years old.

-          Being taught about sex without being taught about pleasure.

Sex education in this country starts with an erection and ends with ejaculation (I wish I could lay claim to that phrase but I stole it off my mate Ester – you can read her stuff here). Isn’t that awful – we get taught how to know if a man is turned on, but not whether we are. I was in my 20’s before I worked out what really floated my boat (a phrase that with better sex education we’d consider super filthy), and loads of girls just assume their first time will be painful or unpleasant. Women have sex with men who don’t turn them on all the time. And they do that because sex education focuses on really liking someone and not how you can tell if you physically fancy them. You can really really like someone and not want to have sex with them – that’s called friendship – it’s awesome. You can really, really want to have sex with someone but have no interest in being their friend – and that’s fine too. One day hopefully you have a buddy that you want to have sex with – that’s the ideal, but it’s not the only way.

-          Being defined by what she chooses to do with her vagina

She won’t be frigid if she says no to someone she doesn’t want to sleep with. Nor will she be a slut if she says yes to someone she does. She’ll be herself and valuable for a million other things. I’d be delighted if the rest of the world accepted that.

-          Being offered male help (& feeling able to accept it)

I’ve been really lucky throughout my career to have been mentored by some amazing and powerful women. I’ve also been lucky to be mentored by some really fabulous men. And that can be more unusual – not because there aren’t loads of guys out there who just want to develop the brightest people regardless of their gender. But because there are risks around the perception of why an older man would take a younger woman out for a coffee to talk about their career that there simply aren’t for same sex mentor/ mentee relationships. I’m lucky that the men who’ve taught me about business planning, finance, about how it’s ok to get angry - but not so ok to show it in meetings, these guys were brave enough, and sensible enough to ignore what people might think and treat me the same as they would a young guy with my potential and my faults. I don’t want my niece to have to worry that her male co-workers have ulterior motives for helping her – or for those colleagues not to offer her a hand for fear of how it’ll make them look.  I want her to be a brain at work, not an ornament or liability.

-          Being told what a woman is (or a man for that matter)

Men who are direct are direct. Women who are direct are bossy or bitches. Women who are sensitive to the emotions of people around them are women, but men who react this way are soft. It’s bollocks. If we can get away from ladylike, manning up, being a good girl or a brave boy. If we could get to a place where all we had to be was ourselves – the world would be a much better place, for my nieces, and my great nieces, and for my nephews too.

Let's keep working towards that shall we. Happy International Women's Day.

My problem with Mother's Day

So today is Mother's Day

 As a 35-year-old woman who’d love to be a mum but isn’t it’s a weird day. Mother’s day for me this year is about absence. Let’s leave aside the fact that online it feels like every day is mother’s day, my Facebook feed is covered in smug memes telling me I don’t yet understand love because as yet I’ve failed to push anything out my chuff. Let’s also ignore that my own mother is out of the country so I’m not able to celebrate with her either. That Mother’s day is something I’ll celebrate by proxy with my mother in law.

I think the reason I don’t care for Mother’s day is that it boils down a lifelong reciprocal relationship into one day a year. I’m not bought into the idea that the way you celebrate Mother’s day reflects how well loved you are, or how much you know about loving.

Me & My Mum

 

Mother’s day, is one of those times where we’re all supposed to feel like we’re part of a club. Where we’re all united by our shared experience of being mothered, or being a mother.

One of those clubs I couldn’t be in if I tried. But I think both are a bit of a con. They suggest that mothering or being mothered is a universal experience, and I simply do not believe that is true. It is true that I don’t know how it feels to be a mother, but my friends who have children don’t know how it feels to parent each other’s children either. My experience of loving my husband is different to their experiences of loving theirs. There is no equivalency when you talk about love, it’s always different – it’s unique because it has to be, a reflection of a relationship between two complex individuals.

My family is a perfect example of that. My mum loves us all equally – but our relationships with her are as unique as we are.

Actually I take that back – she doesn’t love us all equally. What a horrible trite phrase. Love is not measured in cups and ounces. I’ll rephrase – she doesn’t love any of us more- or less than any of the others. She loves us differently.

The measures of our love are different for myself and my sisters for the rest of the year, for me it’s about how often I can get mum to laugh at something she feels she shouldn’t, how often she comforts me by reminding me that time passes and that when I look back I'll see things differently. I know that my sisters look at different things, have their own in jokes and special memories. And yet this one day a year we’re supposed to pick a generic card out of the rack and have it express everything about our relationship, and it can’t. If even we as sisters couldn't agree on one perfect card, then it has to be nonsense for the rest of the world.

We could probably agree that '90's fashions weren't that kind on any of us though....

 

I won’t find a Mother’s day card that thanks my mum for making my childhood magical in the particular way she did. Taking toys from my bed when I was poorly, and replacing them before I woke with new clothes on. Getting her friends to save those tiny margarine tubs Harvester used to give out with baked potatoes so I had shoeboxes for my Sindy dolls. There is no mother’s day card that says thank you for not killing me when I left my dirty hockey boots in the airing cupboard all summer and they went mouldy. Nor is there one that says I’m sorry for losing my bus pass constantly and nearly crippling your finances with replacement costs. I think it’s unlikely I’ll find a card that reflects our particular memories - being made to sit on tea towels so we didn’t ruin the sofa, the time our puppy ate my friend’s wallet complete with the to – die- for concert tickets it contained, when I belly flopped into the pool on our first ever holiday abroad, or the next holiday we took on our own together to Italy nearly 30 years later.

My beautiful unique mum on my wedding day (no idea what my nephew is doing with his nose there)

My relationship with my mother isn’t generic. And neither is yours. The universal mother concept sentimentalises a relationship that is huge, and scary and feral in its immediacy. You may have a great relationship with your mother, you may have a terrible one – you may never have met her. The one thing we all share is that we were grown inside a woman’s body, and that probably our relationship (or lack of) with that woman has shaped us profoundly. But this day where we reduce those mothers into identikit cookie cutter benign princesses is insulting to them as unique individual women. By all means let’s celebrate our relationships with our mothers. Celebrate it today. But not with generic sentiment, and mass produced mother’s day tat. Go do the stuff your Mum loves to do with her, make her laugh over the phone, buy her a spanner if she’d prefer that to a ‘world’s best mum’ mug (who wouldn’t really), or maybe make your own card – or write her a love letter. I just did.  

It costs three times more to raise a disabled child. Too many disabled children live in poverty. Help Contact a Family make a difference by donating here. 

 

How to throw a clothes swap party

Clothes swapping is the most ethical way to be stylish

 

When I started this challenge more than nine months ago now I was worried I was alone. I thought that I was the only one who was finding the amount of stuff I owned stressful. I wrote blogs where I worried you'd think I was dirty for wearing the same clothes two days in a row. I worried you'd think it was weird that my sisters and I had swapped bras.

 

 

I was so wrong. So many of you got in touch to talk about how much you enjoyed getting rid of your stuff, how you were finding ways to live with less and how satisfying you found it to limit your impact on the planet by buying second hand.

 

 

So last month when I invited you to attend a clothes swapping event to help me raise cash for Contact a Family- I thought a couple of you might turn up. And again you astounded me when 80 of you bought tickets!

 

I think we showed that clothes swaps don't need to feel like jumble sales - that they can be super classy events where people can leave with stuff they'll treasure. Here's a couple of tips on how to get it done.

• Start with a good reserve of clothes.

We asked people to bring between 3 and 6 items each. We wanted to be sure that no one was left without choice - so between us me, Bella and a couple of our friends donated a good stock of clothes to start with.

 

This skirt was one of the bits I donated.

and that pineapple dress.

• Work out how you are going to manage the swap.

We sorted stuff as people came in so we knew how many items people brought in. We also put the really special stuff aside on a separate rail and made sure that people who brought along super lovely bits got first dibs on taking something lush home.

• Display stuff nicely

 

Everything looks nicer when it's nicely folded or hung right? We were really lucky to have the secret garden in Shoreditch House as our venue. But it also helped that we bought baskets, trays and hangers from home to sort things in. We also put similar stuff together so people found it easier to find what they were looking for.

 

 

 

• Give people time to rummage

 

Self evident - this one. No-one likes to be rushed.

 

•  Think about where people are going to try things on

Some of our friends were really happy just trying things on in public. But there was a changing space for people who were more shy. If you are doing this at home it's something to think about.

• Tell people they look great when they find something they love!

 

If you fancy running your own clothes party Contact a Family can help & you can feel doubly good because you're raising money for a great cause. Get in touch here if you need a hand.

 

Thanks to everyone who came particular thanks are due to:

 

•  My partner in crime Bella for her organisational genius.

   

  

  Me & Bella stood on a table (no change there)

• The fab Charlotte Dawe for getting us the room

Ms Dawe is the fox in the mustard cardi

• and our lovely photographer - who took all these shots for free. Here's her facebook page.