Well I am officially exhausted. Knackered - just worn to the bone. In fact I'm coming around to the idea that claiming 'I'm too old for this shit' is not the ironic statement it once was and that actually I might want to slow it down a little.
I'm
wondering why it is I feel so very tired. I've looked through the last couple
of weeks photos and you can physically see my face getting greyer like someone
used the wrong shade of plasticine to build me. And I've actually been very
kind to myself over the last couple of months, I have tried to book less in my
diary, I've condensed my hours at work and I'm often in bed for 9:30. I'm only
35. This can’t be what it feels like to be old already.
And then
last night I realised. It's guilt. That's why I'm so tired. In my
experience women suffer more with guilt than men. And that's not me saying men
are wrong. On this one I think they've got it pretty sorted. All of those films
where lads punch it out and then are best mates the next day, they are
reflective of a less dramatic reality where it's acceptable for a bloke to say
" I was a dick - I'm sorry" and that's it it's forgotten, and that
doesn't happen as much with girls.
I want to
be specific - it's not that I think that girls are unforgiving of each other -
that's nonsense. My whole friendship group has some extraordinary shit we've
forgiven one another for "we all fuck up" is a bit of a motto round
these parts. But I think a lot of women (and I am certainly one of them) really
struggle to forgive themselves.
Some
things I'm feeling guilty about this week:
- I haven't phoned my mum or any of my sisters
- I'm not 100% the dress I'm wearing to Bob and Laura's wedding is right
- We're leaving the dog with friends when we go on holiday
- I haven't got as much done as I wanted to at work (though I have worked 38 hours in a 4 day week)
- I feel like I'm gaining weight
- I don't think I'm keeping up with the news enough
- My twitter feed is full of auto posts because I'm too busy to actually communicate with people
- 4 mates who are having bad weeks have called and I couldn't find time to see them
- I lost my camera
- I don't know enough about what's happening in Syria
- I think I was a bit short with someone at work
- My house isn't clean enough & we still haven't finished the bathroom
- I'm really tired and this must be due to some fault in my personality.
Honestly
I could fill about 4 posts with this shit. I feel guilty, or inadequate - like
I'm getting away with something by having my interesting job and nice life - all
the time. And I worry about it so much that the resulting tiredness is my tithe
for the good stuff.
And it's
not helping anyone - I know I could rephrase each of those negatives as an achievement
or something to be proud of. But I'm a little bit afraid of pride. Isn't pride
a bit well - arrogant? Whereas guilt - guilt reflects modesty, and all good
girls are modest aren't they?
I think
that is what at some level I believe - that this stupid pointless guilt I carry
around with me (that guy who banged his head on the tube doors as the door
closed - should I have asked if he was ok? He looked ok - did I seem uncaring?)
makes me a better person. That worrying about the stuff I didn't do is somehow equivalent
to doing it.
Actually guilt makes me a crappy person. It makes me too tired to do the good things
I could be doing. Things that would benefit me and the people around me far
more than my constant monitoring of my list of failures does.
So I'm
going on holiday this week. And while I'm gone I'm going to drop my guilt list
into the sea, and try really really hard to see the stuff I should be proud of.
And of course there is a danger that that pride will mean I come back arrogant.
But I'm rephrasing that too. I think on boys its called confidence.
 |
| I'm leaving my guilt list here |
If one of
the things on your 'shit I haven't done it yet' list is donating to Contact a
Family - that's an easy fix the link is here
You'll notice
I haven't updated the daily photos for a while. I'm sorry it takes an age and
since I've lost my camera & broken my phone it is a bit more of a challenge
than usual. I may have lost a couple of days in the kerfuffle - but I'm hoping
to piece together a full set from other people’s photos of stuff I was at. But
not until I'm back from my hols!
This is where the photo is from:
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/36651120@N07/21365480432">Sailing in Croatia 555</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>
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