CLOTHES OFF MY BACK - Adventures in living happily with less

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Capsule query - Do work clothes 'work' at a wedding?

I went to Sheffield for some friends’ wedding reception last weekend. The whole do was steam punk themed and in my normal life I would have used this as an excuse to go bonkers on a costume, however the challenge didn’t offer me that option – so instead I had to pick something already on the list. I went for my green silk dress and black heels. I thought because I looked wedding appropriate that I’d get away with it, but it turn out what I wear is as much about how I feel in my clothes as how I look in them.

Day 78 -Me & Donna at the wedding

When I began this challenge I thought a lot about how I could make sure I had clothes that looked right for all of the occasions I might have to go to. And I think I’ve done pretty well with 23 items so far to cover looks appropriate for all sorts of occasions. What it turns out I hadn’t thought about was that I buy clothes for the impression I’m trying to make in them, and that wearing the same dress to a wedding as I wear to speak at conferences might cause me some confusion.

I bought the dress I wore to the wedding just over a year ago to wear to speak at a conference, since then I’ve worn it to several more conferences, meetings at government departments and with trustees, events at Westminister, donor meetings and other professional settings. This dress has become my sartorial ‘safe pair of hands’ outfit. I wear it almost exclusively when I am trying to exude trustworthiness, reliability and good sense. And because I wear it for this sort of thing, it has become a part of my armour – I associate particular behaviours with it and weirdly I find it more natural to live those behaviours when I’m in it. In this dress I stand a little taller, talk a little slower and swear a whole lot less.

Which is perfect for work based occasions. But this weekend I wasn’t at work. I was with my husband and a load of friends I have known since I was a teenager, celebrating a wedding in the back room of our local pub. The behaviours expected of me in this environment are really very different and I was struggling to make the transition.

People kept asking me if I was ok and I kept telling them that weirdly I just didn’t feel able to let go the way I normally would. I felt like I was at a professional event – like I should be diligently networking, and writing notes about connections between people I’d said I would follow up. And that’s not what I should have been doing.

I should have been giggling with my friends about how easy it is to photograph Heathers calves so they look like a bum, throwing shapes on the dance floor and covering myself in red lipstick. You know - this kind of stuff....

Of course – there was a way to get past the whole professional boundaries thing. Not a mature, healthy or advisable way, and a way I regretted on the bumpy train ride home – but none the less. It turns out a short cut to feeling like you are 19 again, is to drink like you are 19 again. A fab night was had by all – though the (predictable) side affect of this was that I woke up the next morning feeling (and looking) 80.

Day 79 - Hangover has aged me by a decade!

So lesson learnt? Even with very few wardrobe choices if you live a life where your professional and personal lives are miles apart, it might be worth identifying which clothes work best for which areas. Personally that dress – it’s just for sensible times for the rest of the year – mainly because I don’t want to find myself channelling ‘naughty Ed’ at a work event.

Can I just take a moment to thank you all both for your donations (not even 3 months into the year and already we’ve raised nearly half the target – THANKYOU), and for reading and sharing the blog. I’m not really sure how it happened but there have been more than 8500 views on this blog so far. Wow!

Lots of you lovely people have been in touch with me and I’m really loving hearing from you – please keep the comments and emails coming. One thing a number of you have asked is how it’s easiest to follow the blog. Well I’ve just joined Bloglovin’, it’s a fab site that lets you follow all the blogs you like in one place. There is a follow button on my sidebar – if you join you’ll get an alert everytime I post new content – plus it’s a doorway to all sorts of other cool blogs, like this one.

So THANKYOU, and since it looks like the rain has stopped just in time for the weekend I really hope you all have lovely sunny Saturdays,

Ed x

Thursday, 6 August 2015

Uniforms, self expression and the importance of choice

I’m aware that over the last couple of weeks of the challenge I’ve talked lots about how not being able to shop is doing me good. I’ve done posts about emotional shopping, and about wasting money trying to look like someone else. I stand by those posts and the lessons I learned writing them.

That said I’m a bit worried that I may (inadvertently) have given you the impression I think that clothes and personal style are unimportant, trivial even. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Choosing what we wear every morning is one of the key acts of control we take over our lives. And whether you consider yourself into fashion or not, whatever you chose to put on your body today does say something about you.

The reason that I chose this challenge is because I value personal expression so much, and use clothes to both express and hide myself. I’m hoping the challenge will support me to dress more authentically, but I don’t want to break my relationship with clothes. I value the opportunities for non verbal communication they provide.

Recently I’ve read loads of interesting articles about uniforms. These articles talk about people taking an active choice to limit what they are wearing to one particular look, even in some cases exact copies of the same items worn every day.

There is an evolution in the increasingly popular choice to find one look and stick with it that I find beautiful and fascinating. It’s not just about saving time and energy. I love that by adopting a uniform people are subverting something that is traditionally externally imposed on us (by our schools, workplaces & prisons) and claiming it as a symbol of their uniqueness.

Throughout history uniforms have been used to strip people of their individuality, identify them as a type and essentially dehumanise them. From traditional maids outfits designed to make your ‘staff’ indistinguishable from each other, to the harrowing examples of the striped pyjamas of holocaust victims, uniforms make it easier to ask things of or do things to people than it would be if we saw them as fully rounded human beings. And if you are not sure this follows check out the way staff are treated next time you go into a fast food restaurant. Do you think these guys get treated with that dismissiveness , distain and outright rudeness when they are dressed in their civvies? Of course not. Like it or not clothes are used to delineate status, and we humans are total arsewipes when it comes to the way we treat people we believe to have lower status than us.

I can’t pretend it doesn’t worry me that the people I tend to see in uniforms are people who we are asking to work for less than a living wage, people who we expect to obey orders without question and children and young people in their educational settings (yes I’m aware my first 2 points also apply to children and young people – they get a bit of a raw deal no?).

Those of us who get to choose what we wear to work are really privileged, we are offered the opportunity to choose things that fit us, are comfortable on us and express whatever we want to say about ourselves. Showing up to work in trackie bottoms is just as powerful a statement as wearing high heels and lipstick every day. And we are super lucky to be able to make that choice.

It’s just a shame that that choice has turned into a brilliant marketing opportunity for clothing companies, who’ve gotten really good at getting us to spend money on stuff that doesn’t express who we are, but instead a sense of ‘now’ that is transitory and leads to us constantly updating our wardrobes rather than confidently choosing what our look is and sticking with it.

That’s why I totally admire people who are make really strong choices about what they like to wear and stick with that. For example Matilda Kahl wears a white silk shirt and black trousers to work everyday,. She decided she had better things to think about than what to put on every morning, and says her career and self worth are blossoming as a result of the time and energy she is saving. She is – in her own way raising the social value of wearing a uniform. And yes it’s a chosen uniform – but I hope there is a translation there to the way we feel about everyone who dresses in a consistent way whether that is chosen or not.

Clothes are important, to how we are seen by others and to how we see ourselves. And we can make the best of this by taking the good and leaving the bad. We can choose to wear what we feel comfortable in as often as we can, and by seeing past the uniforms other people wear to the human being – worthy of respect- that is wearing it.

Or to put it simply – don’t wear things that chafe or give you blisters (unless that’s your thing…..) and don’t be an arsewipe to the girl serving you your burger, or the guy cleaning the street you live on. Clothes tell you a little something about the person wearing them – but not enough. To know someone you need to know them.

And those of you that know me will know I’ve been getting my hugely impractical polka dot dress out to look at everyday this week. I know I can’t put it in the capsule, it’s too fragile and it doesn’t go with anything. You can help me to resist temptation and stay strong with a bit of sponsorship. Here’s the link.

And this is that frock I'm missing (and my gorgeous neice)

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/14359179/?claim=g8jkb3wh6cr">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Sunday, 2 August 2015

What does the way I shop say about me?

So since last week’s emotional shopping incident I’ve been thinking a lot about what is in my wardrobe and the reasons I buy things. I wondered what my shopping habits said about me and what impact this 12 month long challenge might have on me.

And here’s what I came up with:

I don’t like to feel negative emotions

Ok so at this point I guess you are thinking:

a) no one likes to feel negative emotions
and
b) didn’t you cover this last week?

But what I mean is that it’s not just that I don’t like to feel these emotions but actually that I don’t let myself. And that’s crucial because most of the really emotionally healthy people I know let themselves experience what they are feeling.

I don’t. I distract myself, I don’t want to talk about it, or think about it. So I choose the one activity where I can successfully do neither – shopping.

No wonder I hate Oxford Street. It turns out I exclusively go there when I feel rubbish. I went back over every crappy day I remember in the last few years and where did I find myself at the end of it? Shopping.

I estimate about 50% of my clothes are misery garbs. Which is, you know, delightful.

I’m weirdly over concerned with what is expected of me

What does smart casual mean? What does one wear to a christening? To the ballet? To a house party in Dalston or a Hoxton club night?

Guaranteed I’ve bought a new outfit for each of these occasions.

Which is stupid because people who like you, or want to like you don’t give a crap what you are wearing. And if you are hanging out with people who don’t already like you, or aren’t open to liking you then stop it. Seriously go to another party. One where the nice people are.

So why have I spent so much time and money buying things that let me ‘fit in’ at these things? Because fitting in is comfortable. We all want to do it, and we chase that feeling of being recogmnised and approved of by people we like. Except that when we wear things that don’t fit who we are we feel inauthentic and uncomfortable and people pick that up. Intellectually I know this - sadly it doesn't prevent me from shopping to fit in really regularly.

I can’t believe how many clothes I own that I’ve only worn once because they were bought for a particular occasion. Or how many occassions I have gone to essentially in disguise, robbing myself of self expression and potentially giving people completely the wrong impression about me.

This year not having the option of buying stuff for a particular event will be a gift. Hopefully 10 more months of not having the opportunity to 'dress up' as someone different will break me of the habit.

I really enjoy not being broke

I mean come on – if you are used to having nothing to spare it’s exciting to be able to waste money.

Matt & I have spent years, YEARS, struggling to pay our rent. Living in basements, and tiny scuzzy flats, living off chana masala and beans on toast. And we were happy enough. But suddenly over the last couple of years we’ve had a bit to spare.More than we need in fact.

And because I’ve never had anything to spare I don’t WASTE exactly. I pretty much exclusively buy in the sale or from charity shops. But it is fun not to have to worry about every penny spent and somehow this has gone from treating myself on occasion to consumption for it’s own sake. Because why wouldn't I buy that £6 tshirt, if I can afford it? What a giddy rush to be able to afford it! This kind of behaviour is not really ok, and if I’m going to do it, it should be on actual consumables like wine. Rather than stuff that I get guilt every time I look at.

I try to emulate people I admire by copying their style

Not deliberately but it definitely happens. I’ve lost count of the number of clothes I’ve passed on to the people I must have been thinking about when I bought them.

The thing is I might not have nailed down my personal style. But one thing I have got nailed is my excellent taste in friends. There is not a single one of my friends who I am not immensely proud of and who I don’t want to emulate in some way.

I want to be:

As considered as Cat,
As empathic and spontaneous as Charlie,
As emotionally intelligent as Chrissy,
As nurturing as Kristin,
As forthright as Racheal,
As dryly funny as Sarah,
As committed to decency and kindness as Ange,
I want to be as overflowing with joy as Laura and Bob,
As honest with myself as Jo,
And I want Sean’s ability to get people to be their best selves around him, Donna’s creativity, Heather’s honesty and Hannah’s absolute commitment to being who she is.